Day 80

 Well blog-o-sphere it's been a busy week or so. Entering tech for my show (the week leading up to opening night) is grueling and exhausting. It was so much easier when I was in my 20s (and didn't have a 9-5 40 hour work week). But keeping so busy and exhausted has occupied my mind and made things seem more "normal". And quickly checking on the stats of this blog I saw I had a couple readers from Russia? If you're still reading, Спасибо!

Memorial Day has come and gone, and because our rehearsal started early that day I had to miss Levi's last parade. And like his concert a few weeks ago I consider it a curse/blessing, in that I continue to break my promise to Mary, but also don't have to dwell on the fact that she's not there. Memorial Day, as an adult in Buffalo will always be going to that parade and then heading over to Mary and Dan's house for a BBQ and pool party if the weather was nice enough. A few years ago, having moved out of my parent's house without a plan on where to live next Mary and Dan let me crash on their couch for a couple of weeks until I figured my shit out. Memorial Day happened to fall during that time and Mary plied me with so much liquor I was passed out by 6. She took pictures of me snoozing on her sofa she thought it was so funny.

The Komen race is next weekend though, and that I will be there for - tissues in hand I'm sure. I started using her shirt from last year, "Mary's Hope for All" as my go to "make-up" shirt in October, and putting it on this week as I get ready for the night's run brings her spirit to me. There have been a LOT of rainbows in the sky lately, every one reminding me of her, our Sunshine, our Rainbow Girl.

And I think about her every night when we close the show, singing a reprise of "Any Dream Will Do". And I feel comforted, because I know her spirit, or essense, or energy, or whatever is still out there that isn't, was never, part of her physical self, is with me, for at least that one moment. I feel it.

And progress, because I made it this far into my post without welling up with tears. I told some of my castmates a week or so ago about the meaning behind 'Close Every Door' - how, when you look at the lyrics you realize that the song isn't just about Joseph keeping his faith, but it's about the promise G-d made to the Jews, and their belief that no matter how bad it gets for them, they have a covenant with Him, and will be given a Land free from persecution. In particular, the last verse has a direct reference to the Holocaust "Just give me a number instead of a name, Destroy me completely and throw me away." It's something I was told *cough*cough* years ago when I first performed in the show. Our Jacob was real life father to Joseph and one of the other brothers(who also played the butler). He was also a Christian minister - even offered to give me religious education work since rehearsals interfered so much my church was debating "holding me back" 1 year from my confirmation. SIDE NOTE: I told my mother to explain to the head of program that I was in BIBLICAL SHOW, and if they held me back she could kiss my being confirmed out the window - this may be one of reasons why I to this day have issues with the Catholic Church, but I digress).

Anyway, after we talked about it, I noticed the smallest change in these people when singing this show. And they have elevated it from a beautiful song to something really moving and breathtaking. And last night I focused on the music during an instrumental break in the song and realized the violin, so soulful, was chosen to stand out at that moment for a reason. It's the instrument I associate with a Jewish ghetto, crying to G-d 'please don't forsake us, you promised us a place of peace and acceptance!'. And once more I was moved. - So for those naysayers that think Andrew Lloyd Webber is a hack (and I'll admit I've been one of those people at various points in my life). Listen to that song now, and tell me he's a hack.

I get emotional during "Any Dream Will Do" for other reasons. More personal -we had just started rehearsals for "Joseph..." when Mary was in ICU. And a day or two before she died we had a vocal rehearsal, my two other Narrators and our Joseph. I had my phone out, praying that I wouldn't get a text that she'd taken a turn for the worst and thanking G-d that our music director lived less than 5 minutes from the hospital. I lost my shit many times during that rehearsal even though I tried hard to keep it together. But the lyrics kept washing over me, symbolism that matched descriptions of my See-Star. And now she is free from pain and suffering I let those lyrics continue to wash over me, and get choked up not necessarily from sorrow, but from the beauty of her life and the freedom she now experiences, and a longing to one day be free like her too.

So today, I leave you with these lyrics, in case you don't know the show (and here's a link to the Donny Osmond version in case you want to watch/hear it)

I closed my eyes, drew back the curtain
To see for certain what I thought I knew.
Far far away someone was weeping
But the world was sleeping.
Any dream will do.

I wore my coat with golden lining,
Bright colors shining, wonderful and new.
And in the East the dawn was breaking,
And the world was waking.
Any dream will do.

A crash of drums, a flash of light,
My golden coat flew out of sight!
The colors faded into darkness.
I was left alone.

May I return to the beginning?
The light is dimming and the dream is too.
The world and I, we are still waiting,
Still hesitating.
Any dream will do.

Still hesitating.
Any dream will do.