Day 67

I should have written this last night, but I came home from rehearsal and watched the Rangers lose to Boston instead. "Poor poor Lundquist, whatcha gonna do? Things looked bad for you hey, whatcha gonna do?" Sorry, I'm in rehearsals for "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" so I have a tendency to think in lyrics.

Yesterday I looked up registration information on the Buffalo "Komen Race for the Cure". I'm not sure if I should register as an individual, or if I should register as a team, "Mary's Hope for All" - the name of her team (last year I believe?). I'll have to ask Dan and Levi what they want to do. I don't want to step on their toes, but I want to honor her memory. As I read the tribute to this year's honoree I thought, very selfishly, what makes this one woman so special that the entire race is honoring her. It's an awful thought, I know this. But I'm human. And after I thought it I realized that to her family, this woman was loved like our Mary. And then I understood.

I had to miss Levi's last high school concert last night because of rehearsal. I've missed so many concerts because of my shows. I did get to see his Christmas concert though. Mary was always so, so very proud of her son, most of all because of his musical talents. I'm a proud Aunt, but she was a GLOWING mother. I promised her that I would be there for Levi's concerts and I feel like I let her down because my rehearsal had to take priority. But then I think, of how she always always supported me when I did shows and came to as many as she was able to. And I know she understands. But I still feel crappy about it.

The first (and last) high school concert without "Mama C.". I know there were many people missing her last night, all Levi's friends and their parents who loved Mary just as much as her flesh and blood family. I can barely hold it together to type this, so maybe it was for the best that I didn't have to experience yet another sense of loss and knife through my soul.

I think about how Mary's friend Brigitte, who's currently battling what I think is her second recurrence of breast cancer and how she didn't get good news this week. Her's cancer stopped responding to her current treatment and she's going to be put on a newly FDA-approved drug called Kadcyla. She has two young children, and just lost another friend to cancer this week. This woman is made of steel. I'm so blessed to know someone that strong - no wonder her and Mary were instant friends!

My husband Rob, the other day made a reference to how she used to "sign" her texts..."Mary Mary Y U Buggin?" I know she wouldn't want me this sad - and truth is, this week had some pretty good moments. Not just instances where I didn't feel the wound of my loss, but genuine moments where life was good - I got a callback for a show with a theater company that I haven't worked with before, and wasn't even expecting to get a callback with based on my audition. Rob got his truck back from the shop, which meant I wasn't dependent on him picking me up from work. This morning - for the first time in over a week my tendonitis felt better, as in nearly non-existent.

All reasons for me to smile and be happy. So I'll try. I'll try to see the sunshine through the clouds, the rainbow after the rain. Life flows and ebbs and is all about change and I shouldn't be afraid. We should relish every moment and sensation that we can, for never again will we feel that exact same way. It's part of what makes life so beautiful and precious.