Day 122

The last few weeks have been keeping me busy, my mind occupied.

I've had a good amount of work that needed to be done by Monday (and now I'm playing catch up to everything else that took a back seat), I've had a burst of creativity and am participating in July's Camp NaNaWrMo (and only slightly freaked out when I go to research stuff that my characters are involved in to find I've pretty much hit the mark), and Tuesday night started rehearsals for my next show (I'll be playing Fantine in a local production of Les Miserables - a dream role).

So, my brain's been so full I haven't had time to dwell in grief. The beauty and sadness of life moving on.

Today it came to a head when I got home from work and saw a card addressed "Uncle Rob and Aunt Mel". I smiled opening it, thinking it was the baby shower invitation for my niece (which is next month). Instead I found an invitation to Levi's (Mary's son) graduation party. The last of the nephews to have theirs, and I knew it was coming up. Enclosed were two wallet sized senior portraits. And there it slammed back into my, the chasm of my grief. Sucked me back into the loss of my sister in a way I haven't felt in months. 

Dashing the tears away as fast as they seeped out of my eyes I thought to take my mind off it by going over my music. I did okay, crying a few times as lyrics and situation hit home (my character dies, leaving her small child). But when I got to the finale, when Fantine appears to John Valjean to take him to heaven....well, let's just say I put the music down, turned off the piano and am grateful that I have three months to prepare for that scene. And hopefully repetition with desensitize me to the weight and beauty of the music and lyrics.

"Come to me where chains will never bind you.

All your grief, at last, at last behind you.

God in Heaven, look down on him in mercy.

Take my hand, I'll lead you to salvation.

Take my love, for love is everlasting.

And remember the truth that once was spoken - 

To love another person is to see the face of God."

Yeah. I hope another three months will be long enough.

As I went to write this I realized that today marks the beginning of Month 5 without her.

I know I know, stop being so sad. Mary wouldn't want tears anymore. And so, now I've got Ke$ha playing on Spotify - because she'd be dancing with me if she were here. And who knows, maybe a spark of her energy is in the room me dancing anyway.