Day 121 (was Day 120)

This should have posted yesterday.

Well today another shoe has dropped.

Dawn (my other sister, who was going through chemotherapy for Stage IV breast cancer while Mary battled her lung cancer) found the results from her MRI done last week. There's some abnormality in her bone marrow and they're going to be scheduling her for radiation. I don't know if its mets or something else. It doesn't seem like anyone asked or that the doctor volunteered much information.

This is what's going through my head right now:

Anger. Frustration. Sorrow. Numbness. Shock.

It doesn't get easier. It will NEVER get any easier.

And I believe in God, I do. But what God that is active and hands-on in this world would allow this to happen again. So quickly after the last. My mother can't lose another child this year. She's already lost her eldest daughter, and one of her sisters.

I know, "life isn't fair". And I'm not arguing that. But a God that would allow this to happen? That's not right. My mother (and father - and by extension all of us left, my sister, my brothers, my nieces and nephews, my in-laws, my sister's soon to be born grandson)...not one of us has done ANYTHING so bad as to warrant this. Again.

So I believe in God. But my God created us and left us to figure it out on our own. And once in a while, if we're really lucky? He'll come in with just enough to let us know, "Hey, I'm still floating around. But you've got to be patient. I'm only here in case of a real emergency."

So maybe he doesn't think this is a real emergency. Not yet. And if it's up to us to figure out how strong we can be, to keep going forward in spite of the shit that gets thrown our way, I guess that's the way it has to be.

I worry about my parents now too, especially my mother. Not even four months.

An addendum to my rage-y post a few weeks ago. My husband suggested we not isolate ourselves from my family - instead let it make our relationship stronger, and just try to put things by. So we spent the 4th of July with my parents, sister, niece, brother and sister-in-law. I had a great time, walked away when conversation started to upset me, but tried to do it in a non-aggressive way.

And at that and my nephew's graduation party on Saturday I did my very best to try to limit the profanities that usually spew forth from me like a sailor. Because, like I said, I can't fix something if I don't know what's wrong, and I try my hardest to not be hypocritical.