I'll always remember you, Mary. Your last days. The last conversation we had, when you finally broke down and said you needed help, that you couldn't do it on your own any longer. God heard you. And He answered you. If ever I doubt that there is something beyond, that prayers aren't heard I will remember that day. The day your soul cried to your Maker and was finally, at last, heard. Not in the way we wanted it answered, but you, Dear Heart, were called.
We say, "God doesn't give us more than we can handle." And I know you questioned why God handed you so much crap to deal and life with. But that's because you needed to see that you had strength you never dreamt you could have. And when at last you reached the pinnacle of your strength God took your burden away so you could be free.
I love you forever Seestar. I wish you were still here, because I need your advice. I can talk to the ether, cry at your grave, but I want to hear your voice. I want a conversation with you. You understood me when no one else in our family did. You accepted my friends, my husband and never tried to change any of them. You got it, what life should really be about, and I miss talking to you about that stuff, and about nothing at all.
I remember last year, coming over when you were first sick and going through your treatments. Levi answered the door, said you were in bed resting, and I went in and crawled in bed with my big sister, my godmother. And we lay there and talked and laughed for the entire afternoon. I don't remember the conversation per say, I just remember the feeling - peace and happiness and laughter and love.
And GOD - this is turning into such a DOWNER.
Okay - so the thing is this (and this is the thing): On a regular basis, when I can occupy my mind with other things I don't feel sad. I've tried to keep busy so I don't get depressed, or so struck by grief that I can't move. I think I mentioned last post about seeing life/time as a flowing river, it's constantly changing and I refuse to become a stagnant person. Most people resist change, fight against the inevitable, that life and the world is ALWAYS changing around us. We can choose to adapt and make the transitions a little easier, or we can try and force time to stand still.
Back when I was dating my now husband he was stuck in this position, resisting the changes around him that he had no control over. I'd like to think that my attitude towards life (bending like a reed in the wind, vs using all your energy to fight something that is going to happen anyway) helped him move forward. And after 6 years, while he still gets in funks, they are much less intense and frequent. His mom told me before we got married that she's never seen anyone able to calm him like I do. So I guess I can be a good influence. Sometimes. ;)
I don't even know where I was going from the beginning of this entry, so I guess it's just like life - we never wind up on the path we originally intended on. Well some people do. Not me.
And speaking of paths, I am going to try living more outside of my comfort zone. There's a Dirty Girl mud run event in September that I am going to sign up for, and a Color Run (5k) in August too. Not that I'm a runner, or even a distance runner. I can get about a quarter of a mile and then my heart feels like its going to explode out of my chest wall like an alien child. But I need to challenge myself. Because without goals to reach for and challenges to overcome we let our lives become stagnant, and I won't be that person.
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